What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:38
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What is the reason for writing X^2 as XX instead of X*X?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What's the hardest part about marriage that no one ever talks about?
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do Muslims not get HIV/AIDS in spite of having 4 wives and multiple relationships?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What is the lowest probability event you have personally witnessed?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it wasn’t much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Comes on , in middle age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was in good health!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.